tribute to rodney dangerfield...

"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we could..but he pulled through.'"

"My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!"

"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him..'Do you think we'll ever find them.' He said..'I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.'"

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, 'On your mark...'"

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe! "

"I went to message parlor. It was self service."

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said.. 'No.. I hate myself now.'"

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."

"One day..as I came home early from work.. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy..'Hey buddy..why are you doing that for?' He said.. 'Because you came home early.'"

"I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!"

"I went to see my doctor. I told him once.. "Doctor.. every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said..'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.'"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin."


"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him.. "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said..'Alright..you're ugly too.'"

"Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off the couch."

"Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home."

"I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me, 'Wait till it gets warmer.'"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette."

"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!"

"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"

"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

"When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's."

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."

lines from the movie "back to school"

"During sex, she used to yell out her own name."
"Call me when you have no class."
"One thing about my wife, she gives great headache."
"Hey, Shakesbeer for everyone! Oh, I'd like to tame your shrew."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)