predictions, predictions, predictions

the next president of the united states will be george dubya bush. his brother will deliver the electoral seats for the state of florida. that leaves ohio and pennsylvania. he will lose ohio and squeak out pennsylvania. that's 2 out of 3 swing states for dubya. that means victory for dubya. for the love of god, i hope i'm wrong...

the bush sisters will be the life of the inauguration party only after dick cheney, as a practical joke, feigns a cornary infarction. neither the dixie chix nor bruce springsteen will be performing...

osama bin laden will not be caught on dubya's watch. too many family ties...

the eskimos will beat the roughriders. the lions will defeat the eskimos. the tiger-cats will pummel the argos. the alouette will hang on to defeat the tiger-cats. drumroll... the lions will beat the alouette to win the grey cup, to the great consternation of stamp fans...

the grey cup will be won on the last play of the game on a trick play involving an "on side" kick or punt. the "on side" player who recovers the ball will only be noticed because he will fire off an incendiary device planted either on his helmet or in his pants.

the stamps will miss the playoffs in 2005.

ralph klein will be the next premier of alberta. ok, that's a stretch... even if he tends to his ill mother the rest of the campaign. his party will lose 2 additional seats to the opposition. one of which will be in calgary of all places.

singer joni mitchell will arrive at the "order of canada" induction ceremony in a "big yellow taxi", only to declare that "'i'm a radio' and am ineligible for the award but please 'help me'".

newfoundland will receive 100 percent of off-shore oil and gas revenues only after paul martin receives assurances that the "rest of canada" will get joey smallwood and rex murphy in return.

paul martin will lose the next election in a landslide...

tweeds will come back into fashion...

ralphie's quotes of the day...

ralphie klein: the severely normal premier of alberta

ralphie blah:

"They didn't look severely handicapped to me. I'll tell you that for sure. Both had cigarettes dangling from their mouths, and cowboy hats."

"I know the CBC wants me to talk about AISH [province's program for the severely disabled]. I'm sure none of you want to talk to me about AISH, do you? No, because you're normal severely normal." [bubba's note: i thank my lucky stars i'm one of the severely normal ones... or am i?]

source: the severely abnormal cbc

run for your lives!!!!!!!!

© 2004 thinsoapy films

i hope everyone had the chance to see the spectacular lunar eclipse last night.

thanx dave and gina for the swell picture.

if you haven't already bookmarked it, the RASC (calgary chapter) has all the info for such celestial events... i'm such a science geek.

the hardest working man in show biz...

the godfather of soul.

macewan hall
december 8th, 2004
calgary, alberta

note from a canadian submariner...

"minor damage" done to the hmcs chicoutimi

i got the following email from a friend of mine who used to be in the navy (in fact, she was rather high up in the chain of command). in it, stuart glen, a petty officer (i think) onboard the ill-fated submarine hmcs chicoutimi, described the time period immediately following the outbreak of fire...


>May be of interest to you. I received it from a friend who didn't identify
> who first received it from PO1 Stuart Glen and then passed it on.
>
> ********************************
> Message From Canadian Sub Crew Member
>
> On behalf of the whole crew of HMCS Chicoutimi, please let me say that we
> appreciate each and every one of the heartfelt messages we've received,
> both in this forum and in others. We performed well - but we were also
> lucky, in equal measure. It could have been far, far worse. The actual
> moment of danger lasted just over 4 or so hours - the vast majority of that
> time being with the submarine solidly filled with very toxic, thick black
> smoke. And, of course, with no power whatsoever to run engines, ventilation
> fans, or the LP Blower. We've always been taught in Sea Training that smoke
> generates rapidly, but until this past week we had no idea what that really
> meant.
>
> When you finish reading this, go stand in your bathroom and picture the
> single entrance being blocked by fire and sparks, accompanied by a very
> loud electrical popping/crackling sound. After 2 seconds - two very short
> seconds, shut out the light. That darkness is what it was like on 01 and 02
> decks on board HMCS Chicoutimi. Everything had to be done by feel -
> provided you were one of the lucky ones who got a mask on their faces. If
> you didn't, then your only conscious thoughts were about locating one in
> the pitch dark, then feeling your way to a spot where the EBS connectors
> were and plugging it in.
>
> I was one of the unfortunate ones who didn't get a mask - I had a person on
> one side of me, and a person on the other - and my path was blocked by one
> of the tables in the C&PO'S mess. I'd been closed up there as part of DCHQ
> (HQ1 to the O Boat types). Not to be overly dramatic about it, but I
> believed that I was going to die. In the microsecond it took my brain to
> work through all the combinations for escape, the result kept coming up the
> same - no way out, and fire/smoke still coming in. I could feel the heat
> beginning to increase. I was fortunate - as were so many of us. Just as my
> brain became resigned to the extremely dangerous position I was in, a fully
> plugged-in EBS mask appeared out of the darkness and thrust into my hands.
> One of the other members in DCHQ had taken the time, as the bangs and
> flashes were going off, to empty the EBS locker at his feet and plug in
> enough for everyone, and started passing them around. He saved my life, and
> the lives of everyone else in that space - but when he reached for his own
> mask, he couldn't find it in the darkness. He managed to escape through
> the glowing doorway to safety, though, fortunately. Elsewhere in the boat,
> a two man team saved more lives. One aggressively snatched passing
> shipmates and bodily shoved them into the Junior Rates Mess while the other
> plunked a mask on their face. We did everything we needed to do, to
> survive - though one of us just didn't make it. Lt. Saunders was to be my direct
> boss when we got back to Halifax - I'm the Combat Systems Engineering Chief
> on board the boat. This trip was to be the time we started working with
> each other, to start the process of running the department together. It is
> sadly ironic that my memories of Chris Saunders will be for the laughs and
> experiences we won't get the chance to share, rather than the few we did.
>
> I cannot talk about specifics, of course, and I know you'll all understand.
> At least not yet. There is a family and a country that deserves answers,
> and the proper route for that is through the Board of Inquiry which is
> starting now. We met them today, and I know several members of it either
> personally or through reputation. It will be thorough, of that there is
> absolutely no doubt whatsoever.
>
> I've been lurking here on the board far too long - time to surface and say
> hello. Some of you will recognize my name, others won't, though I've been
> serving in submarines almost continuously since August, 1981. And banging
> my head on valves since that time, so I must be pretty damn lumpy by
> now. Good to be back, boys, and thank you again.
>
> - Stu
>
> PO1 Stuart Glen

"...you and i were meant to fly" - UPDATED!!!!!

some disturbing events have come to my attention:

Air Canada.


hey celine, you look really hot in that uniform.

i subscribe to air canada's e-letter (i just read it for the articles. i promise). this was in the latest transmission:

Introducing Air Canada’s very own diva and a fresh new look.

By Isabelle Verdi

You and I were meant to fly.

"That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Canada’s very own superstar diva, Celine Dion, has a new song on the airwaves, and I’ve been humming it all day: “… you and I were meant to fly.” The toe tapping is contagious and this new tune is just one part of Air Canada’s exciting new campaign."

gack... another reason to fly air canada. i can see why their business is in dire straits. there's only room for one diva in the company and that's ceo robert milton! in a related matter, there's now a surcharge on airline tix for overpriced gas. sorry, that's a surcharge for celine dion. same same.

initially, i thought it (i.e. flying) had to do cross-marketing with the cirque du soleil.

garbage in, garbage out...

in other news, lookie here... ralphie's at it again.

ralphie has accused the leader of the opposition, kevin taft, of lying in a opposition report exposing 6 million bucks worth of untendered contracts doled out by his government to "friends of the party".

ralphie was shocked that taft, a university prof. (UPDATE: i shouldn't take ralphie at his word. mr. taft was never a prof. i've got to research this things. i give myself a grade of F), showed abysmal research skills to generate an entirely inaccurate report. he gave the report a grade of D+.

mmmm. if i remember not long ago, ralphie was doctoring papers of his own. not surprisingly, ralphie was cleared on the charge of plagiarism (using internet sources "incorrectly") and given a grade of 77% on a paper supporting the acts of ex-chilean dictator pinochet. now that's justice seen and served...

dave, or any of my loyal readers (2 or 3 others), is that a prime example of irony or what?

oh by the way, ralphie, there's room between a D+ and a F. what happened to that money, eh? ahhh...beer slushie fund at the st. louis. very clever.

what dreams might come and go...


dave, if you were her, we'd have a deal for whatever.

just got a call from dave. he told me about this dream he had last night. long story short, he and i met at a 5 story tall museum in banff. he offered me his ipod and gameboy and asked me if we could call it even...

i'm not sure how to interpret that dream... first, he doesn't own a gameboy or an ipod. second, i'm not sure what the "trade" was for... he says it's with regards to a certain piece of crap electronic device that i lent him. i just hope we had all our clothes on...

this dream is open for interpretations...

top 10 greatest canuckle-heads...

can this geeky stubble jumper be the greatest canuckle-head of all time?

according to the citizens of this great land of canuck-istan, the following is a list of the greatest canuckle-heads of all time (in alphabetical order):

1. Frederick Banting
2. Alexander Graham Bell
3. Don Cherry
4. Tommy Douglas
5. Terry Fox
6. Wayne Gretzky
7. Sir John A. MacDonald
8. Lester B. Pearson
9. Dave Suzuki
10. Pierre Elliot Trudeau.

no, #3 is not a typo. surely, the greatest canuckle-head cannot be a hockey player (even though he was arguably the greatest hockey player ever). sorry wayne. hockey is just a game. frederick banting was just a scientist (though a great one). alexander bell? the telephone has been a lifesaver for sure. it's too bad some idiot bastardized his invention by inventing the cell phone. terry fox was a fundraiser (though an inspirational one). who remembers john a. macdonald? he's ancient history. his idea of a pan-canuckle-head railroad was kind of nifty though. lester b. pearson gave us our flag. a unifying idea i guess. but there isn't a true maple tree west of ontario or north of toronto. sure he won a nobel peace prize. that's cool. in turn he defined canuck-istan's role as peacekeeper for 40 some odd years. but that idea has waned in the recent past. dave suzuki? come on... he's a tv personality. he made everyone more aware of environmental issues. a great achievement. good ideas. he's walked the walk but he's got to show the way with some initiative.

that brings us to trudeau and tommy douglas. trudeau had the likeness of a movie star and was a fighter for lofty things like social justice. he stood up to quebecois separatists and brought home the constitution and amended the charter of rights and freedoms. great stuff. he did alot to polarize this country but he stood his ground.

i just watched one of the 10 documentaries meant to sway our votes. this one featured tommy douglas. i didn't know he contributed so much to canadian life. stuff like healthcare, labour laws, and a bill of rights (one that pre-dated the current charter by 45 years). he was the one who probably did more to improve the lives of canadians than anyone else on the list (banting is a tops if you're a diabetic). he originated and implemented the ideas that define what we are today. characteristics that we've used to distinguish ourselves from the yanks down south.

he deserves our vote (even though he was a benevolent communist)!

i would have like to have seen at least a couple of ladies (i like the ladies...) on the list, starting with nellie mcclung.

in the top 100 list of canuckle-heads, my favourite was #34, hal anderson, a deejay at winnipeg's Power 97, "a regular host of budweiser messy wrestling nights at the henderson draft house". ha! this bastard edged out laura secord #35 and ernie "mr. dress up" coombs #36!

go "pave" go

well, that was a pathetic little election... for those not in the know, i'm talking about the calgary municipal elections that "happened" last night.

only 20 percent of 602,000 eligible voters bothered to show up at the polls. that was a horrendous turnout.

westerner canadians, particularly calgarians, pride themselves in the fight for more democracy in federal political institutions. you know, to have their voices heard. well that's crap, considering the poor turnout tonite. they can't even keep their own house in order. calgarians talk the talk but they've shown that they couldn't give a rats ass about the democratic process.

now to something positive. i didn't want dave "pave" bronconnier back as mayor. he said, a couple of years ago, that calgary wasn't suffering from urban sprawl. i found that statement disconcerting to say the least. he sounded like a real estate developer. or, maybe like the developers financing his re-election.

the whole "pave" demeanor was disconcerting. if you listened to him closely in most occurrences, he didn't really say anything. spin city, my friends. he was a master at it...

there was something about "pave" though, he paved more in 3 years (for better or worse) than al "do not" duerr did in 10 years. for that, in a car crazy city, he will be re-elected.

well, "pave" wacked his opponents tonite, winning 79 percent of the vote. i voted for harinder "harry" dhillon. he accrued only 2 percent of the vote. here's the kicker, i didn't even know who the hell he was until i stepped into the booth. i liked the fact that his name "harry" was in parentheses. "harinder" was just as flattering a name.

jaws

i must admit i've only watched portions of the movie "jaws" until tonite's showing on the cbc. i've never gotten past the really boring first part where the dumb people were trying to figure out whether it was a shark that was attacking people at the beach. this time i watched 95 percent of it. for the most part, it was ok...

some observations:

i've never seen such inept, incompetent group of characters in my life. i think it took pizarro and 180 spanish hoodlums to bring down the Incan empire but it took 3 heavily arm bozos an entire movie to wack a shark.

i think i heard richard dreyfuss call the shark one "fast fish". sharks are NOT fish (dolphins - miami or otherwise are not fish either). i think his character is a phD. nuff said.

i think i heard the boat captain call the shark an "orca". sharks are NOT orca. killer whales are orca, bonehead.

i didn't know sharks held grudges. i mean the one in the movie was not only vindictive but had a long bitter memory. sounds like an ex-girlfriend of mine. ha!

i didn't know wooden boats and explosives were part of a shark's nutritious diet... i guess the shark used the splinters off the wooden planks as toothpicks to dislodge human parts from its plentitude of teeth...

richard dreyfess, playing hooper the shark expert, irritated me. he's played alot of irritating and pesty characters over the years. he's good at it. but i found in this case he went over the top with his performance.

i got my scuba certification last time i was in koh tao, thailand. i was hoping to see a shark. no such luck. apparently, the majority of the sharks in the sea of thailand have been "fished" out.

return of blah

• was listening to the sports last night. chris "i'm not that old" chelios, when asked who should replace the "the incompetent one" (current nhl commissioner, gary bettmen), he replied "wayne gretzy". why the hell would gretzky want that post? the greatest player in history reduced to being the commissioner of hockey?


• was down at the fisher road social services government building. no i'm not on welfare...but pretty damn close though. trying to find a parking space, i couldn't help but notice that the closest stalls to the entrance were reserved for the civil servants. now that's customer service...


• the email service war is on. just noticed that my hotmail account now has a cap of 250 Mb. a small upgrade from a paltry 2 Mb. i wonder if billy gates was given a nudge by the up and coming gmail. bastard wouldn't move otherwise... all that is needed now is an upgrade of the pathetic hotmail servers. why am i complaining? beggars can't be choosers, eh.


• there's a report out there that wayne gretzky may become the next head coach of his phoenix coyotes. why the hell would he do that? he's rich, has a beautiful family, has a swell part-time position as the GM of canada's men's hockey team (which he seems to be good at), has endorsements coming out of the ol' ying yang. why enter the dog-eat-dog world of professional coaching?


• the score was 8 to 3. game 2 of the ALCS. the yankees were beating the crap out of the red sox. it's bottom of the 7th. the red sox have scored all their runs this inning. the next boston player came to bat and cranked the ball outta there for a 2 run home run. wahoo... it's 8 to 5. the yankees were sweating real good right there and then. i turned the channel to the presidential debate and forgot to watch the rest what might have been the greatest comeback in baseball playoff history. what was i thinking?


• big mouth conservative tv talk show host bill o'reilly is being sued for sexual harassment. what's next? the pope is caught buying party hats at a pharmacy?