Friday, February 04, 2005

wondering...



this day looks bleak. the sky's a wall of grey. it's snowing. it's just nasty out there. i wonder when winter is over.

it'd be kind of nice to stay in and read a book, but duty calls. i have to head down to the people's republic of china consulate downtown to hand in visa applications. wonder if they're going to be nasty to me. they usually are.

i'm watching the telus internet commercial. you know... the one with the colourful parrots flying to and fro. wonder how many times they're going play that commercial today. i'm hooked on the soundtrack. it's too late...

i'm late for the bus. i'm running... the wind's cold. wonder if i'm going to make it. made it. 2 minutes to spare. i need to lose some weight.

i'm sitting behind two old chinese ladies. i'm not sure if they notice me listening. they're complaining about white people. wonder if anyone understands what they're talking about. wonder if they'd be talking that way if they could only speak ingrish.

the train is packed but the windows aren't fogging up. are these people alive? i'm beginning to sweat. wonder if any of these people have jobs. there's only 2 guys wearing toques. i look good in a toque. i better not lose my toque...

there's a cute girl sitting a couple seats away. she's wearing a pure white quilted downfilled jacket with fur rimmed hood. better not get it messed up on these filthy seats, eh. she must be taking a mythology course. her notes are on mythological progression and zeus. wonder if she's got a boyfriend... wonder if she's a good student. she dots her eye's with little o's. damn that's cute. she start's talking to some nerdy guy sitting next to her. no. maybe. doh...

everyone seems to be hanging their heads. especially the guy sitting across from me. he's reading a kung fu magazine... wonder how much sleep he's had...

i'm walking towards the consulate. the snow is still blowing against a dismal downtown sky. i barely make out the chinese flag. i dunno whether to salute or not. wonder if they're open or not.

i used to work in the same building a long time ago when golder was the tenant. i walk in. where the hell is the visa section? all the signs are in chinese!!!! i can't read chinese!!!! i can't speak chinese!!!!! it's like i'm in china!!!! mama!!! i stumble around for a while, going from room to room... i ask for directions. they speak to me in mandarin. i don't speak mandarin!!!!! i'm nervous... i find a room with a gigantic chinese flag, a hole in the wall, and a bunch of chinese people milling about like aimless apparitions. above the window they hung the word cashier. now we're getting somewhere... i get in line. the woman barely speaks ingrish. i'd like to apply for a visa... she points to the window next to hers. that window is featureless, label free. wonder how many other visa seekers have had to endure...

no one's at the window... until a thin jagged chinese guy in a mao jacket show's up 15 minutes later. i wonder if he's going to be nasty to me. i have a history of provocation with chinese officials. or, is this guy's corrupt. i hand over the applications and passports. he quickly glances over them. grunts a few times. stares at the applications for what seemed like eternity. i work up the nerve to ask is everything ok. what was i thinking? he scratches a couple of chinese words on a pad of paper. slips the paper under the windows and tells me in broken english to come back in a couple of weeks. i guess it was ok. i wonder if this guy has SARS or avian flu.

i drag myself back onto the lrt. this time there's trouble. big trouble. a guy standing behind me starts shouting something about gestalt therapy and little men with little penises who don't give a damn. i try hard not to pay any attention. it's difficult. i wonder if my fellow passengers are catatonic schizophrenics because they seem oblivious to the crisis. 3 more blocks till i get off. HURRY!!! 2 blocks... HURRY!!! by this time, my friend with the behavioural disorder was shouting at the top of his lungs and swinging wildly from the hand straps hanging from the ceiling of the train. DAMN RALPH KLEIN!!!!! GET THIS MAN SOME HELP!!!! NOW!!!!! he gets off at the bay!!!!! i wonder if my gestalt friend was a girl...and not a boy.

i transfer onto the #2 bus in chinatown. i would have taken the #3 that just left but a huge group of chinese people piled in before me. i wonder if i'd be less canadian if i was on the #3. sometimes i feel more special in canadatown.

i travel the length of centre street in search of bubba que puck. i get off at the lambda shopping centre. i find the bubba que puck shop by following a whole pig being carted around by a chinese guy. mmmm...bubba que puck. i wonder how my canadian friends can go without bubba que puck... it's mindboggling...

the weather takes a turn for worse. it's sleeting. i've stopped beading water. the sting of a million sleets was unrelenting... head hanging low, i force my way onto the #3 bus to head back to the lrt. i turn to find a seat when i looked up to find, through my fog enveloped glasses, a busload of chinese folks staring at me. i felt so canadian...ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i try to avoid eye contact as much as i can. please don't stare at me...please

the trip home is uneventful. i had to stand in the aisle. i wonder where they find all these people to pack the train!!!! do any of you have a job to go to!!!!!?????? ahhhhhhhhh!!! all of them are canadians. they're all staring at me. i felt so chinese. what's wrong with you people? haven't you seen a chinese guy before??????

i hate standing. i'm swaying all over the place. herking while the train was jerking. i wonder if other passengers experience the same forces of momentum and gravity that i do. i don't think so. do i have an inner ear problem?!

i'm so bored. there's a poster at the front of train that reads: "get your exercise while you're riding the train. try glute squeezes. squeeze your gluteus maximus tight. hold it for 5 seconds. make sure you squeeze hard. now relax for 5 seconds. now squeeze again. keep it up till you evacuate the train... don't you feel refreshed..." i try a few repetitions hoping i don't flex too much for people to notice. refreshing... i wonder how many other people are doing the same thing i'm doing...

i'm looking around...i wonder if i'm the only one looking around. most people hang their heads, eyes closed, hopefully in their happy places. there's a cute girl right in front of the glute squeeze poster. i think she's japanese. she's talking in a silky smooth sexy voice to...lets see... yes! to a guyfriend facing her. doh.

i get onto the #78 bus. traveling through the neighbourhood, we stop by the local catholic high school. a horde of students piles on. i wonder why they have be so noisy. when will they grow up? i wonder how many are punks or on the honour roll? i should beat on a couple of them. especially the loud ones. i wonder if i'm going to be wacked by any of them... i'd never want to repeat high school.

finally the home bus stop... i step onto the frozen tundra hoping to cut into the gale force winds.

there's a block of walking before home.

i wonder who's going to win the super bowl this weekend... that's a no-brainer.

the new england patriots...

8 comments:

joshua said...

Al. This was refreshing! I laughed my ass off while reading the paragraph on that poster sign, the glutes one! haha....that was hilarious, (that poster is everywhere) An inner ear problem? heh..i just found out the perforation in my left ear drum can't be fixed. I'll go deaf one day. Oh well, keep writing about your adventures, whether they be out-of-the-country or inner city. haha...glutes poster!

dean said...

China huh?

qtlibrarian said...

Allan I read these things at work you can't talk about butt exercises when I'm at work!!!

Ahh the old Golder Digs...

China...

bubba said...

kelsey,

your wish is my command...

Anonymous said...

HiLLarious, Al! Thanks for the pop-up comments, it's a heckuvalot faster!

Dave

bubba said...

dave,

your wish is my command...

Kyle said...

very much enjoyed this...

I'm confused by this popup comment window. I keep pressing "publish" before typing anything.

damn new fangled technologoloy.

bubba said...

kyle,
just logged into blogger and found this pop up new comment window option. dave likes it because it lessens the download time required compared to the old system where the original post was reprinted along with the comments. as for the "login and publish" button below, i too find it confusing...