in hollywood, oscar is king...

i'll be baaaacccckkkkk...

well, i'm at an age where watching the academy awards is a difficult task indeed. 3+ hours was a lot of hours to waste (if you include the red carpet pre-game show). hours i can't get back...

i found myself fading in and out of consciousness during the telecast. however, i will report this partial set of astute observations:

who was that black guy in the front row they kept showing when any black guy won an oscar...

who was hot? selma hayek (stunning), beyonce (sans wardrobe malfunction -- case in point, you can look hot even if you keep your clothes on...), cate blanchette, annette bening...

who was not? antonio banderas... thought i was watching american idol during his number.

surprise loser of the night? martin scorsese.

biggest eyeglasses of the night goes to... martin scorsese. dunno if it affected his losing.

easiest way to win an oscar: make a movie about boxing... unless you're marty scorsese making "raging bull". ha! seriously, dave, my film-making friend, should make a film about an aging, overweight, balding, never-been, chinese guy who confronts his obesity in a boxing-for-fitness class. of course, he meets his love interest, andrienne (played by selma hayek), whom he spots in the classroom wall mirror... in the end he has to fight, hilary (played by zhang ziyi), the finess-class bully. dave, we should get this down on paper, eh?

most deserving winner of the night goes to... i dunno. most of the time it was comparing oranges to apples. ok, they're both fruity, but that's it...

line of the night goes to... chris rock saying "wow, they're awarding people on the stage... next year they'll probably use the parking lot."

number of times i went to the bathroom: 4 (small bladder).

most annoying preshow host: tie between brian, ahem..., ben "puhllllllese come talk to canada" mulroney and star "girlfriend" jones...

biggest ripoff: the snubbing of "saving private ryan" for picture of the year... yes, i'm still very bitter...

best low talker of the night goes to the artist formerly known as prince. speak up man!!!

most mentioned person/entity in thank you's: god. wait a minute...oops, god was the most thanked person/entity in this year's super bowl after game speeches...

least funny funny segment goes to robin williams. i couldn't figure out what the hell he was talking about...i must have been unconscious.

the "my 15 minutes was up a long time ago" or "what have you done lately" award goes to: oprah winfrey. man, she had more mug time on camera than antonio banderas... what's wid dat?

i think i'm going to skip the babs' show this year... what does teri hatcher have to do with the oscars? ok, she's hot...

ding dong the nhl's gone...and other irritants [UPDATE]

the state of the hockey nation address


will the real commissioner please stand up...

in this saturday night's movie night in canada line up is: "deliverance". poor ron maclean. be glad, not sad... nuff said...

UPDATE:

i finally watched "deliverance" last nite. i was up till 3 AM but it was well worth it. it totally foretold the 2005 NHL season.

essential story elements:

4 goofy white guys from georgia.
2 canoes.
1 weekend canoe trip through the appalachians.
lots of hillbillies.
1 freakish looking hillbilly boy who can play one mean banjo.
spoiler: duelling banjo music (one of the "banjoes" is actually a guitar)...
1 freakish looking hillbilly stalker...
2 mountain men.
1 gay sex scene.
1 dead mountain man.
1 dead guy from atlanta.
1 broken leg.
2 pairs of cement galoshes.
1 killer set of white water rapids.

you see how all of this is connected to the 2005 NHL season...

moral of the story: do not wear leather on a canoe trip... you'll definitely be over dressed...



why watch hockey when you can go on a disasterous whitewater canoeing trip?

conformists of the week award



was driving my nephew home this PM. while we stopped for the lrt, a massive group of "running room" joggers crossed the road dressed in their uniform hi-tech gortex jogging/biking shells trimmed with extreme reflecting tape. says jeremy, "look at all those firemen running". ha!

idiots of the week


gonna miss the cone zone...

ACCESS channel 13!. what were you thinking...? i bet you're wondering what could possibly be interesting on this channel. LATE NITE WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, that's what! why am i having a conniption you ask? they DROPPED IT from their schedule!!!! it was on at midnight vs. 1:30 in the morning on NBC!!!! i'll have to take my biz over to the daily show...

idiot of the week


"yes i am an idiot, but i can't help it"

"marriage is open to everybody as long as they're a man and a woman..."
- jason "yappy dog" kenney.

my MP... i swear i didn't vote for the guy...

big thinkers award of the week


you thought you brought a lot of baggage...

in peace talks over the disputed region of kashmir, pakistan and india, have agreed to establish bus service (yep, that's bus service) across the line of control between the two nuclear powers. beware these buses are susceptible to chronic delays and flipping over. and, by the way, watch out for chicken poop on the bus floor, eh...

hypnotist of the week



"...well, i have this golf ball autographed by a president from texas by the name of george w. bush. then i got dis ball autographed by a little man from r-kansis. let me see... that would be president bill clinton..." haha!!!! i'm gonna bust a rib, jean!!!! haha!!!! i can't breathe, jean. hahaha!!!! jean, you slay me man... get outta here...haha!!!!! damn, i forgot why the hell i'm watching this stupid gomery commission...!!!! hahaha!!!!

the "what did i say?" award of the week


what was i thinkin'?

a student on tour of the governor-general's house wondered aloud (within earshot of her majesty) if "this woman" is the one that spends money on the queen when she comes to canada. the tour guide promptly kicked the student and his entourage outta da house for dissin' the gg... well, there goes the kid's chances of attaining the order of canada. marred for life, eh. wow, them civil servants are just a bit touchy over the topic of excessive spending, eh.

wondering...

this day looks bleak. the sky's a wall of grey. it's snowing. it's just nasty out there. i wonder when winter is over.

it'd be kind of nice to stay in and read a book, but duty calls. i have to head down to the people's republic of china consulate downtown to hand in visa applications. wonder if they're going to be nasty to me. they usually are.

i'm watching the telus internet commercial. you know... the one with the colourful parrots flying to and fro. wonder how many times they're going play that commercial today. i'm hooked on the soundtrack. it's too late...

i'm late for the bus. i'm running... the wind's cold. wonder if i'm going to make it. made it. 2 minutes to spare. i need to lose some weight.

i'm sitting behind two old chinese ladies. i'm not sure if they notice me listening. they're complaining about white people. wonder if anyone understands what they're talking about. wonder if they'd be talking that way if they could only speak ingrish.

the train is packed but the windows aren't fogging up. are these people alive? i'm beginning to sweat. wonder if any of these people have jobs. there's only 2 guys wearing toques. i look good in a toque. i better not lose my toque...

there's a cute girl sitting a couple seats away. she's wearing a pure white quilted downfilled jacket with fur rimmed hood. better not get it messed up on these filthy seats, eh. she must be taking a mythology course. her notes are on mythological progression and zeus. wonder if she's got a boyfriend... wonder if she's a good student. she dots her eye's with little o's. damn that's cute. she start's talking to some nerdy guy sitting next to her. no. maybe. doh...

everyone seems to be hanging their heads. especially the guy sitting across from me. he's reading a kung fu magazine... wonder how much sleep he's had...

i'm walking towards the consulate. the snow is still blowing against a dismal downtown sky. i barely make out the chinese flag. i dunno whether to salute or not. wonder if they're open or not.

i used to work in the same building a long time ago when golder was the tenant. i walk in. where the hell is the visa section? all the signs are in chinese!!!! i can't read chinese!!!! i can't speak chinese!!!!! it's like i'm in china!!!! mama!!! i stumble around for a while, going from room to room... i ask for directions. they speak to me in mandarin. i don't speak mandarin!!!!! i'm nervous... i find a room with a gigantic chinese flag, a hole in the wall, and a bunch of chinese people milling about like aimless apparitions. above the window they hung the word cashier. now we're getting somewhere... i get in line. the woman barely speaks ingrish. i'd like to apply for a visa... she points to the window next to hers. that window is featureless, label free. wonder how many other visa seekers have had to endure...

no one's at the window... until a thin jagged chinese guy in a mao jacket show's up 15 minutes later. i wonder if he's going to be nasty to me. i have a history of provocation with chinese officials. or, is this guy's corrupt. i hand over the applications and passports. he quickly glances over them. grunts a few times. stares at the applications for what seemed like eternity. i work up the nerve to ask is everything ok. what was i thinking? he scratches a couple of chinese words on a pad of paper. slips the paper under the windows and tells me in broken english to come back in a couple of weeks. i guess it was ok. i wonder if this guy has SARS or avian flu.

i drag myself back onto the lrt. this time there's trouble. big trouble. a guy standing behind me starts shouting something about gestalt therapy and little men with little penises who don't give a damn. i try hard not to pay any attention. it's difficult. i wonder if my fellow passengers are catatonic schizophrenics because they seem oblivious to the crisis. 3 more blocks till i get off. HURRY!!! 2 blocks... HURRY!!! by this time, my friend with the behavioural disorder was shouting at the top of his lungs and swinging wildly from the hand straps hanging from the ceiling of the train. DAMN RALPH KLEIN!!!!! GET THIS MAN SOME HELP!!!! NOW!!!!! he gets off at the bay!!!!! i wonder if my gestalt friend was a girl...and not a boy.

i transfer onto the #2 bus in chinatown. i would have taken the #3 that just left but a huge group of chinese people piled in before me. i wonder if i'd be less canadian if i was on the #3. sometimes i feel more special in canadatown.

i travel the length of centre street in search of bubba que puck. i get off at the lambda shopping centre. i find the bubba que puck shop by following a whole pig being carted around by a chinese guy. mmmm...bubba que puck. i wonder how my canadian friends can go without bubba que puck... it's mindboggling...

the weather takes a turn for worse. it's sleeting. i've stopped beading water. the sting of a million sleets was unrelenting... head hanging low, i force my way onto the #3 bus to head back to the lrt. i turn to find a seat when i looked up to find, through my fog enveloped glasses, a busload of chinese folks staring at me. i felt so canadian...ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i try to avoid eye contact as much as i can. please don't stare at me...please

the trip home is uneventful. i had to stand in the aisle. i wonder where they find all these people to pack the train!!!! do any of you have a job to go to!!!!!?????? ahhhhhhhhh!!! all of them are canadians. they're all staring at me. i felt so chinese. what's wrong with you people? haven't you seen a chinese guy before??????

i hate standing. i'm swaying all over the place. herking while the train was jerking. i wonder if other passengers experience the same forces of momentum and gravity that i do. i don't think so. do i have an inner ear problem?!

i'm so bored. there's a poster at the front of train that reads: "get your exercise while you're riding the train. try glute squeezes. squeeze your gluteus maximus tight. hold it for 5 seconds. make sure you squeeze hard. now relax for 5 seconds. now squeeze again. keep it up till you evacuate the train... don't you feel refreshed..." i try a few repetitions hoping i don't flex too much for people to notice. refreshing... i wonder how many other people are doing the same thing i'm doing...

i'm looking around...i wonder if i'm the only one looking around. most people hang their heads, eyes closed, hopefully in their happy places. there's a cute girl right in front of the glute squeeze poster. i think she's japanese. she's talking in a silky smooth sexy voice to...lets see... yes! to a guyfriend facing her. doh.

i get onto the #78 bus. traveling through the neighbourhood, we stop by the local catholic high school. a horde of students piles on. i wonder why they have be so noisy. when will they grow up? i wonder how many are punks or on the honour roll? i should beat on a couple of them. especially the loud ones. i wonder if i'm going to be wacked by any of them... i'd never want to repeat high school.

finally the home bus stop... i step onto the frozen tundra hoping to cut into the gale force winds.

there's a block of walking before home.

i wonder who's going to win the super bowl this weekend... that's a no-brainer.

the new england patriots...

important questions that demand important answers...

it's so nice to be back... being on hiatus for the last while, i came across several questions (some disturbing) that demand answers that my loyal readers might have...


mystery picture...
1. who is the guy in the above pic? (hint: we haven't seen him around these parts in a long time...)
2. for bonus points, how is the hottie to the left related to him?



mystery audio clip: what is the title of this horrendous, cheesy song? what is the purpose of it's wretched existence? click here. (hint: see above visual clue.)

good luck one and all...