it's new-KLEE-er, not newk-U-lar, bonehead...

these guys are the best they could come up with?

it was the 1st presidential debate tonight and i was glued to the tv for an hour and a half, hanging onto every word dubya and john kerry had to say (ok, that's overboard). i ought to get a life.

honestly, there were no major gaffs on either side. but i have to give a slight edge to dubya. yes, he's firing on a whole lot less neurons than his opponent but his strategy took advantage of this physiological trait. the strategy was clear: hammer kerry over and over with 1 or 2 ideas, change the subject if the going gets tough, and concentrate on style over substance.

dubya,

1) hammered kerry with his penchant for flip-flopping, translating this into weak leadership ability and putting "homeland" in harms way. very effective.

2) hammered kerry's declaration that the war in iraq was "the wrong war, at the wrong time", linking this again to weak leadership and giving mixed messages to "the allies" and the troops in iraq. quite effective.

3) justified most of his record by saying "he did what he said he would" and "he took the war to the terrorists for the protection of america". blah blah blah...

i bet the american peeps just lapped that crap right up...

clearly, kerry should have blown dubya away with the "misleading" of america time and time again. he should have argued why an united free world is much stronger than america going it alone. most americans believe otherwise i believe. this is not to say he didn't have any zingers himself.

i'm against bush (i'm kind of wish washy on kerry, ha!). don't get me wrong. i just didn't think kerry articulated his position well enough to change the minds of a lot of "george and martha" americans. my advice for kerry? simplify, simplify, simplify... i forgot. talk slower for the peeps... dubya's got down, eh. it's natural for him. ha!

i borrowed that "george and martha" line from ralphie klein and am ashamed of myself.

god bless america... america is strong...

i gotta go watch survivor.

blue tuesday...

it ain't over till it's over...it's deja vu all over again...when you come to a fork in the road....take it



here's something you don't hear very often. i am, now was, a montreal expos fan... forget about the "great team" of the strike shortened season of 1994, i remember fondly the days of gary carter, andre dawson, tim raines, steve rogers, warren cromartie, bill "spaceman" lee. those expos were fun to watch. plenty of power, speed and attitude.



they won the penant in the strike-shortened season of 1981. in a 5 game series against the LA dodgers, they were within one game of making it to the world series that year. i remember being glued to the tv for that fateful game 5. when dodgers' rick "blue" monday knocked the ball outta the ballpark in the ninth inning, it crushed any hopes of making baseball history. i like all other expos fans will never forget what transpired that night.

i wasn't here for the 1994 season but i saw a news clip today taken the day the league shut down the season. the expos were far ahead of any team in either league at that point. yet, in a non-"emo" way, each expo player backed the union and brushed off the season. such is the state of post-modern day sports.

i can see why 1994 became the quintessential year in expos history. the train tracks to hell were greased once again. no one, particularly the fans, cared after the debacle of the 1994 strike. the club's core talent was sold off or given away bit by bit, year after year.

there's plenty of blame to pass around including an idiotic, jackass, parasitic, turncoat "owner", n incompetent baseball commissioner, and ultimately, the fans.

it's been a long 3 years since the ownership reverted to the league. 3 years is a long time to wait for the demise of the team. i'm kind of relieved that it's finally over. i'm at peace...

tonight was the last home game of the season. the expos were smoked 9-1 vs. the florida marlins. the game wasn't televised. what a fitting end...

pierre pettigrew is a hump...



i can't believe this guy. he's in haiti "assessing" the destruction wreaked by a recent tropical storm. watching the news, the situation in haiti looks like hell. foreign aid is not reaching the disaster area, stymied by washed away infrastructure and armed robbery by gangs of thugs.



the minister of foreign affairs came to the conclusion that we should not send in canadian emergency response teams because: 1) they're deemed too expensive to deploy, and 2) haitian officials did not ask for them. well, 1) what the hell do we use these teams for, if not for emergencies in god foresaken places like haiti? and 2) did we offer to send these response teams? it's difficult to imagine the haitian government turning down help.

a blast from the past...

just another lazy sunday. i've been looking through some old photos and came up with some real winners.

photograph 1.


referring to the above photograph: 1) where was this photo taken? (hint: it's a park in calgary circa 1970 something); 2) which mode of transport was it taken on and 3) who's the kid (wearing the straw hat) in the foreground? (hint: this person is closely related to me)

photograph 2.


photograph 2 is really old. what is the object in the lower left hand corner? what is it lacking in terms of controlling this device? and, whose hand/forearm is that in the background? (hint: this person is really really related to me).

when reality becomes unreal...

trump's at it again...

well, looks like another entertaining "apprentice" episode until the boardroom segment. to recap, the winning team this week must generate the most "buzz" over the debut of crest's (yes, the brand of toothpaste that i don't use) new vanilla mint (ew) flavoured toothpaste. each campaign is to be judged by the marketing gurus at no matter. each team is given a 50 thousand dullah budget. the men's team puts on a street carnival, while giving away cash prizes (5 grand) every half hour. the women's team hires a "high powered" sports personality, met's catcher mike piazza to brush his teeth in front of the peeps of NY. no matter.

the judges like both campaigns. no matter. they are over budget by 5 grand. the idiot in charge of the having leaflets printed out for the event did not get an official quote. the printing company comes back with a bill that is 4 times the amount "agreed" to over the phone!!!! the women's team loses on that point.

in the board room, the project manager chick picks the leaflet girl and last week's whipping girl stacie j. to face the firing squad. it seems logical to fire either the incompetent proj. manager chick (abysmal leadership skills) or the leaflet girl (grossly incompetent). trump's cronies concur and recommend the same. no matter. "no matter" seems to be a recurring theme this season's apprentice... back in the room, the p.m. chick and leaflet girl gang up on stacie j., saying she did something in episode 1 that really creeped them out. apparently, she asks her magic 8 ball questions. what the hell else are you supposed to do with a magic 8 ball? the girls felt threatened by this and calls stacie j. crazy. trump goes off on another of his now infamous irrelevent tangents. this is a serious matter, he says. he tells the leaflet girl to retrieve the entire women's team to confirm this craziness. well, each woman says stacie j. is crazy. surprise, surprise...

stacie j. is fired.

first, is stacie j. clinically crazy? is each accuser a clinical psychologist? can trump rely on the "objective" opinions of these people, who are obviously adversaries of stacie j.? can there possibly be a conflict of interest playing here? can you call a "real" person crazy (or almost "schizophenic" like the chinese chick says) on tv without being sued for defamation? when is trump going to start playing the game? is this how he runs his companies?

i having serious doubts whether i'm going to watch next week. it's getting really lame...

it must be hell working for trump. by the way, the chick cronie once again backtracks and agrees with her boss. i'm going to call her "trump's hump" from now on...

it's a zoo out there...

took the bike out to chestemere lake on wednesday. the weather was perfect. it was warm. i felt the strength of the sun's rays press upon my face as i biked along. hmmmm. i love riding out there. i love the wide open space of the farmland. i love the fall colours. i love the silence. it can be hell out there if the elements (i.e. wind) conspire against you. there was nary a breeze that day. as usual, i had the entire path to myself except for a couple of lance armstrong wannabes.

i wish i would have brought the binoculars. there was abundant waterfowl in and around the wid canal. at chestemere, i thought i saw a blue jay. on the way back home, i climbed the douglasdale ridge overlooking the bow river and east fish creek park. there i saw a male ring-necked pheasant (really beautiful despite the absence of long tail feathers). further along the ridge, i saw a garter snake slithering across the asphalt path. it's such a privilege to see a snake...

i'm gonna miss summer...

an amazing race!!!

disclaimer: if you are a fan of the amazing race and HAVE NOT SEEN the final show, DO NOT AND I REPEAT DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING BLOG ENTRY.
this message is intended for all overseas (i.e. all those fans living in taiwan) friends.



i've never been so exhausted watching a tv show

but i've got to say, "waaaaaaaaaaaaahoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!"

this is the greatest day in tv history. chip and kim have just won amazing race 5.

sorry but i've got to say it again, "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahoooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!"

the greatest victory in tv history. they beat super idiots colin and christie and the jesus people. jesus, there is a god!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was on the edge of my seat for 2 long/short hours!!! the editors of the amazing race are gods!!!!! i was just about to die at the end. well, i was a bit misty eyed.

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

the giants win the pennant!!!!!! the giants win the pennant!!!!!!!!!! the giants win the pennant!!!!!!!!!!

yah baby!!!!! yah baby!!!!! yah baby!!!!! yah baby!!!!!!

get me on that plane now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if i ever meet up with that colin guy, i'll kick his ass...

here's to good karma, eh... hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

whoever checks baggage on the amazing race? hahahahaha!!!! "those darn bags..." hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

jesus person asks a taxi driver, "how fast do you drive?" cab driver's answer: "slow". hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

never ever give up...

bye.

ps. cowtown looked pretty good, eh...

now bring on Yum Kipper!!!

happy holidays!!

happy Rosh Hashanah to all my jewish friends! i know of only one jewish friend. yep, that's rachel at "chapters". happy Rosh Hashanah rachel!!!! best in the coming year. i don't think she reads the bigtubofgoo. someone please email this to her...

if i was jewish...

if i was jewish, my name would be "shlomo".

if i was jewish and a girl, my name would be "shayna".

if i was donald trump...

does anyone know if donald trump is jewish? no matter. i was watching the second episode of apprentice last night. i missed the first episode but pieced it together. to summarise, like last year, contestants are segregated into men and women teams. the twist this year is that there's one woman in the men's team and conversely, there's one man in the women's team. no matter. the "project" on this episode is to sell as much "trump" ice cream (gag) as possible in a set period of time. no matter. the women's team loses the challenge and are relegated to the boardroom for "the firing". the action really picks up here. there's the customary fiery exchange of who should be fired. no matter. the turning point, or point of infamy, occurs when bradford, the lone male member and a highly effective ice cream seller, speaks out, challenging "the donald" to remove his immunity and to put his performance on the firing line. apparently, he was the successful "project manager" from the previous week and earned immunity from being fired this week. trump obliges and adds him to the rest of the incompetent idiots on his team who are eligible for dismissal. ivana (not trump's ex-wife), the highly incompetent leader this week, selects bradford (for some odd reason), stacie(y) (highly disliked by the team), and some other chick (who shouldn't have been picked in the first place) to face trump and his cronies. his cronies recommend the firing of stacie(y) for being incompetent and difficult. the 4 idiots come back into the room. trumpster zeros in on bradford. trump says that was the stupidest move (relinquishing immunity to prove a point) he has ever witnessed. if bradford was running one of his company's, trump would have fired him on the spot. regardless of his performance in the ice cream challenge, bradford was fired... could bradford really put one of trump's companies "in jeopardy" for his stupid move? is putting one's reputation (as good as it is) on the line really a sign of "weakness"? where is the line drawn between defending one's performance record and being "weak". where in the "real" world can i get i job where i'm exempt from being canned? interestingly, we get to see the real brutal side of trump's business practices. somehow, i don't think these types of situations are as uncommon as we think. may no good deed go unpunished.

before fading to black, trump says, " i feel comfortable with this firing." the female crony replies, "so do i". what a first class ass-kissing hump...don't worry, the male crony's probably the same, eh. that's a matter that deserves a complete blog entry in itself.

it must be hell working for trump...

he should have fired the idiot who "brainstormed" the idea of lobster flavoured ice cream.

the artist formerly known as madonna...

blah blah:

• the key to great cooking is having a great appetite. i would eat bugs or sapporo ichiban if i was hungry enough.


• the people who made beach volleyball an olympic sport were brilliant.


• nothing good ever lasts.


• nothing good ever pays well.


• let me get this straight. martha stewart wants in the big house, the penitentary, the slammer, etc.? oddly enough, she wants to continue the appeal process on her case. either she doesn't have much confidence in her case or i smell an upcoming bestselling book. rrright... "great parties in the grey bar hotel: the best of martha stewart living". i know what being privileged is now: being able to determine when you want to go to jail. what a control freak.


• there were fox hunting hooligans rioting in london streets today regarding the passing of a law banning traditional fox hunts. from what i saw on the tv news, these endeavours involve riding around on horseback with a pack of dogs. upon spotting a fox, the dogs chase it down and rip it to smithereens... says a pro-hunt spokesman, "The common misconception is that a ban on foxhunting will benefit the fox, but nothing can be further from the truth."


• madonna, meet ester. ester, meet madonna. who the hell is ester? well, that's the newly named madonna. i must be totally out of touch but when was she ever jewish? i thought she was still in trouble with the pope. now she's stirring up controversy in israel at a kabbalah conference. man, that girl sure has alot of chutzpah...


• ok, it's thursday night. the line up is like this: starting at 8 pm it's the two hour finale of canadian idol, then survivor 10, followed by the benefactor, then finally "the donald" finishes it off at midnight. there's more. i've got to tape survivor. hold on...it's 4 hours i can't get back... can you get cataracts by watching too much tv?

nhl strike...

more observations:

clearly, this origin of this strike/lockout is the owners. they are the sole makers of they're troubles. who put the gun to their heads to pay these exhorbitant player salaries? no one. don't they have business models to follow? most of them must have been successful business people before they bought nhl franchises. what happened when became franchisees? runaway egos or just stupidity. now that you've opened pandora's box of skyrocketing player's salaries and expectations, try to close it.

i heard several times yesterday that the owner's proposal of a salary limit or cap is in fact protection from one another. my take on the whole matter is to get rid of the irresponsible owners who year after year jack up player salaries. you know, give them a 5 minute match penalty - intent to injury, 10 minute game misconduct, AND criminal charges for assault causing injury to hockey. the nhl granted the franchises and could revoke the same franchises.

now the players. they've got to recognise the changing economic times. the league doesn't have a big time tv contract like football, basketball, and baseball. yah, the owners are idiots. but as a group they've treated you well. i'm not sure but what other business on the planet shares 75 percent of it's revenues with it's employees? that's 75 percent of 2 billion dullah. that's mindboggling. i'm not against earning lots of cash. they must be commended for it. they are the product. no one put a gun to the owners' heads, but that's a whole lotta cash (an average nhl player takes home 1.3 million USD). they demand that their salaries be determined by the "free marketplace", but is linking the payout to expenditures really unreasonable?

the positions taken by the players and owners are so polarised. the owners point to economic viability. the players say the economic numbers aren't as bad. in situations like these, the truth belongs in the middle somewhere. the animosity between the parties might get in the way of negotiations. get rid of nhl commissioner bettman (never did like him) and NHLPA executive director bob goodenow.

to tell you the truth, i won't really miss having the nhl around. i, a fan, will not "suffer the most". the product for years has been really diluted. HNIC, with it's maple leaf games, is dull. they only saving grace in the last decade was the calgary flames making the playoffs last year. probably the best things that could come out of this fiasco is the demise of the southern american teams and the emergence of franchises in places like winnipeg, quebec city, and even hamilton. you know, good ol' fashion canadian towns, places that care about hockey.

subtitles are a good thing...by the way, death to america!

i'm going to have a heart attack...

i should not be writing this. i ought to be in bed.

i can remember feeling this nauseated twice in life.

the first time was just out of high school. we had gone to a bar downtown. i never really had a drink before that gin and tonic. i didn't know about pacing when i downed it in about 10 minutes. suffice to say, the floor spun that night. real good. i remember going home in bob's car. as we headed up anderson road towards elbow drive, i turned to him and told him to stop the car in a calm and controlled voice. i opened the passenger side door and spewed all over the grass on the median. felt like i eviscerated myself. another proud moment in my short life then.

the second time was on a boat from zanzibar, an island off the coast of tanzania, to dar es salaam. it was a dark and stormy morning. i knew it was going to be rough seas and took a handful of motion sickness pills before disembarking zanzibar. it wasn't enough. the waves were so huge. the boat would climb each wave. when it reached the crest, it would drop off into oblivion on the leeward side. before crashing into the oncoming trough, you would experience a second or two of weightlessness. i puked. then i dry heaved after i puked. the crew suffered along with us. they passed out barf bags; the kind of bags that have plastic handles built into them. the crew hooked the same handles around their ears (thus, forming a seal around their faces) so they could tend to their duties in a hands free manner. i dry heaved till the boat reached the port when the damn rocking stopped.

tonight was the worst i felt in years. i was camera man for a shoot involving a rally car just west of airdrie. it was fun for the first little while. first came the exterior shots. easy. then we needed interior shots. stuff like pictures of the driver, him steering, and the oncoming gravel road. before taking off, eric, the driver, turned to me and asked me whether i was susceptible to motion sickness. showing my bravado, i said i should be ok. i was ok for the first minute. it was 2 km of undulating, snake-like gravel road. by the end of the first run, i felt a power wave of nausea come over me. i didn't say anything. we turned the car around. half way back, fighting the need to heave, i broke into an incredible sweat. just like that guy on the "making the cut" commercial, i thought i was going to have a heart attack. on the spot, i was going to keel over if the car wasn't stopped. my vision went blurry and the shot went astray. i didn't care anymore about the shoot.

i did make it back to the start. i rolled out of the car. i heard everyone laugh. i'm not very good at hiding pain or in this case extreme nausea.

i felt like puking the onion rings i just had at the airdrie a&w but before i knew it i was shooting out of dave's trunk for a heads on view of the rally car. that was a stupid move on my part. 30 seconds felt like 12 hours. i screamed at dave to stop the vehicle. the final wave of nausea was so powerful. it hit me so hard. i couldn't explain it. gina took over the camera work while i sat paralysed in the back seat. i downed a gravol. i knew it wouldn't work. you have to take that crap prior to the nausea. i would have had to have taken enough gravol to put down a 10 tonne matriarchal african elephant. there was no relief other than to stop all motion, if that.

i passed out in the front seat for the trip to dave's house.

i still feel queasy.

i shouldn't be writing this.

i apologise to all my readers and fans. i was hoping to be there you for in a time of need. but i was weak.

good night.

cya later ralphie...have another pie on the way out, eh...

play this muzak!

only 4 more years! only 4 more years! only 4 more years!...

glory, glory, hallelujah!!!!

a glorious day in history! i never thought it would ever happen in my lifetime. ralphie, have a nice life. by the way, let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. wahoo!!!!!.

oh happy days are here again!!!!

oh ralphie has left the building!!!!

(editor's note: if ralph seems to have screwed up the appearance (i.e. the dancing banana or clock to the left) of this blog, hit the refresh button at the top a couple of times. bubba is feeling the wrath of ralphie already...)